A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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