but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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