You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize