fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
