he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
