you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we're making bets on your personal life
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
