You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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