Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
