She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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