I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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