His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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