I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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