this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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