I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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