farters have to be the big spoon...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
