arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
home. puking in laundry basket.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
