Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
