farters have to be the big spoon...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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