You really coming over, don't trick.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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