I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All I want is dick and wine.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
