roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i barfeds in our rink
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
