You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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