is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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