I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
