Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
