i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize