I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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