He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
