brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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