just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize