He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
