Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
