my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm too high and old for this...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
