tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
