There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
