tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize