I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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