guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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