I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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