Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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