he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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