man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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