Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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