I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
