Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize