I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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