did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How does one acquire holy water?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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