My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i've created a new STD.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
