We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
