I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize