we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
