Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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