This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
