Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sarcasm needs its own font
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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