I met the friendliest cop last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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