there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize