I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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