Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
