i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
