Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
