Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
