i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
