my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
