just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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