dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
