There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
