dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
